Monday, November 14, 2005

So How Am I Supposed to Feel?

Some days, my faith provides a great deal of peace and clarity. Other days, it brings confusion and doubt. Or perhaps I should say, I suffer from confusion and doubt in spite of my faith.

Some Sundays, I leave my church service feeling uplifted. Other days, I just feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. Yesterday, we had a pretty challenging sermon, with a lot of responses and confessions at the end. I should have felt encouraged, right? Instead I just felt sapped of emotional strength. I was too drained to reach out to those around me who were hurting.

I've never been able to act like everything's hunky-dory with me when it's not. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. That doesn't mean that I spill my guts whenever I'm hurt or upset or confused; many times I just clam up.

I wonder about people that I see at church who seem to be continually "en fuego", always "on". The ones who always raise their hands in worship, who stand in praise and seem to be fully focused on God. Are they always like that? Or are they just going through the motions sometimes? Because there are times, many times, when I come to church and just don't feel on fire like they seem to be.

Church is supposed to be a place to feel comfortable, accepted, right? Some days I can't help but look around and compare myself to others and feel incredibly lacking. I know I shouldn't do that; I know I should just focus on God. But like Paul, I so often do the things I shouldn't do and don't do what I should.

Some days I feel more alive, spiritually speaking, at work, or talking to a close friend, or enjoying nature, than I do when I'm sitting in a church pew. Some days I feel like I do more worshipping in my car as I drive to church than I actually do at church.

Some days I wonder how I'm "supposed" to feel as a Christian. I've been one for longer than I haven't been one, you'd think I'd have these expectations down pat by now.

2 comments:

That Girl said...

Ditto!

I guess I just don't hide my emotions very well. If I'm happy - you know it and if I'm not - you know it! There are those people who would never admit to a weakness in their life and I just can't believe that I can be that much different to everyone!

DJG said...

If you figure it out please let me know....I not only sometimes don't feel like lifting my hands in praise, I don't even feel like being there. I think we miss a great deal by not making our assemblies more a time of sharing and caring. Maybe if you know how "crappy" I am feeling it will help you to feel better about yourself...

I feel like I have been in a fog lately, desperately looking for something that is always just out of reach..