Thursday, October 18, 2007

What I Really Needed

Over the past year I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out and asking lots of questions, most of them beginning with the word "Why".

I think that whenever we experience a broken heart and a broken relationship, it's natural to wonder why it happened. Was it him? Was it me? Was it both? Did I expect too much? Did I not expect enough? Should I have spoken up sooner? Did I miss a lot of signs that the end was near? Had I been in denial about some things?

As you can imagine, I can pyschoanalyze the heck out of everything, so a broken relationship makes for lots of late night ponderings. When we first broke up, one of the things that I earnestly prayed for for both me and my ex-boyfriend was clarity. I just couldn't figure out why a relationship that I had no doubt had been designed by God ended. We both sought some answers.

A year later, I can't say that I really have much more insight than I did earlier. God has opened my eyes to some things in my own heart and life, and He has been tenderly working on my heart in various areas. For that I am extremely grateful.

But do I know why two people who love God and who loved each other so much are not together? No, I can't say that I do. And I don't know that I'll really fully know those reasons, at least not while I'm here on Earth.

Although I prayed for answers and clarity, God gave me something much greater. He gave me Himself. Throughout this heartache, I have experienced God in new ways and have grown closer to Him. There have been days where He has carried me through, days when I don't think I could have gotten out of bed on my own, let alone drag myself to church or work and keep my chin up.

It's been a really hard year, but it's also been a really good year. I could not have gotten through it with my sanity intact without God's steadfast love and assurances. As painful as this experience has been (and still continues to be at times), I can definitely say that it's been worth it because of the closeness I have with God.


Anonymous said...

I've been through years like that and all I can say is that it brought me to a place with God where I can trust him wholly. I honestly believe that one day, you'll look back and see where the right decisions were made and you'll be more than happy about the way God works things out. This comes from one who has been divorced 10 years and who mourned the loss of another relationship a few years after the divorce.

God has our best interests in mind!

Colette said...

Nicely put. We have a lot in common, you and me. ;o)

Colette said...

Oh...and I pulled my last post because I have too many "mutual" friends, and it just wasn't fair to him to blast on the internet.

I guess.

But thank you for sharing. ;o)