What I Really Needed

Over the past year I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out and asking lots of questions, most of them beginning with the word "Why".

I think that whenever we experience a broken heart and a broken relationship, it's natural to wonder why it happened. Was it him? Was it me? Was it both? Did I expect too much? Did I not expect enough? Should I have spoken up sooner? Did I miss a lot of signs that the end was near? Had I been in denial about some things?

As you can imagine, I can pyschoanalyze the heck out of everything, so a broken relationship makes for lots of late night ponderings. When we first broke up, one of the things that I earnestly prayed for for both me and my ex-boyfriend was clarity. I just couldn't figure out why a relationship that I had no doubt had been designed by God ended. We both sought some answers.

A year later, I can't say that I really have much more insight than I did earlier. God has opened my eyes to some things in my own heart and life, and He has been tenderly working on my heart in various areas. For that I am extremely grateful.

But do I know why two people who love God and who loved each other so much are not together? No, I can't say that I do. And I don't know that I'll really fully know those reasons, at least not while I'm here on Earth.

Although I prayed for answers and clarity, God gave me something much greater. He gave me Himself. Throughout this heartache, I have experienced God in new ways and have grown closer to Him. There have been days where He has carried me through, days when I don't think I could have gotten out of bed on my own, let alone drag myself to church or work and keep my chin up.

It's been a really hard year, but it's also been a really good year. I could not have gotten through it with my sanity intact without God's steadfast love and assurances. As painful as this experience has been (and still continues to be at times), I can definitely say that it's been worth it because of the closeness I have with God.