Sunday, November 29, 2009

Giving Up

Giving up is not something I do easily or happily. It's tough to give up the illusion that I am in control (although deep down I know that I'm truly not in control at all). Holding on to the idea of being able to control things is a bit of a security blanket.

But I have to admit that true peace only comes when I throw up my hands and let go of whatever is that I'm desperately trying to control. Most recently, I've had to give up hopes of a reconciliation with a particular friend. I've prayed many times about it, asking God to restore our friendship, but a couple of weeks ago I had a heart to heart talk with myself and acknowleged that I was trying to initiate a reconciliation instead of leaving it fully in God's hands.

What He intends to do with this friendship, I don't know. I miss this friend very much and my heart still longs for restoration. Perhaps God will restore the friendship in the coming months, or in years to come. Then again, perhaps our friendship has ended its run here on Earth. I cling to the hope that, even if we don't speak again in this lifetime, our friendship will be made perfect and whole in Heaven, and that it will finally be all that God intended it to be.

I'm not giving up on the hope that God will bring about reconciliation with this friend. Rather, I'm giving up on my attempts to bring about that reconciliation myself. We are all master manipulators, even with the best of the intentions. I am so good at convincing myself that God needs my help, which, let's face it, is absolute bunk.

Taking a hands-off approach to this and to other situations is necessary to learn true dependence on God. Trying to second-guess Him and make things "happen" only makes things worse, in my experience, so I'm trying to do less and less of that. It's not easy to give up; for me it's a day-by-day struggle rather than an all-at-once act. But I can definitely feel a greater sense of peace as I give these things over to God. Sometimes what we gain is greater than what we give up.

No comments: