My Writing

I have a bad habit of doubting and second-guessing myself. That's true of deciding what to wear, what color to paint my bedroom, and especially true of my writing. I could easily sit down and type whatever pops into my head at that particular moment. But would it make sense? Would it be worthy of being read? Would you--those of you who know me in person and those who only know me through this blog--view me differently if you really knew what was rattling around inside my head?

You see, I want you to like me. I want you to like my writing. I want you to read it and be moved or challenged or convicted or encouraged or maybe even amused. I want to make a difference, not just fill up white space. And so sometimes when I write a little voice inside my head starts to murmur about how no one's going to "get" me and how I need to just keep my thoughts to myself and save my writing for something that's really weighty.

But lately I'm thinking that I'm not writing for you anymore. I'm thinking that I need to start writing for me. And maybe I'll be the only one who reads it and "gets" it. Maybe I'll write about things that are embarrassing or heartbreaking, really deeply personal stuff. Maybe I'll be the only one challenged or encouraged or amused by my writing. And I'm starting to be okay with that.

Food for Thought

"One of the chief barriers to accepting God's generosity is our limited notion of what we are in fact able to accomplish. We may tune in to the voice of the creator within, hear a message--and then discount it as crazy or impossible. On the one hand, we take ourselves very seriously and don't want to look like idiots pursuing some patently grandiose scheme. On the other hand, we don't take ourselves--or God--seriously enough and so we define as grandiose many schemes that, with God's help, may fall within our grasp.

"Remembering that God is my source, we are in the spiritual position of having an unlimited bank account. Most of us never consider how powerful the creator really is. Instead, we draw very limited amounts of the power available to us. We decide how powerful God is for us. We unconsciously set a limit on how much God can give us or help us. We are stingy with ourselves. And if we receive a gift beyond our imagining, we often send it back."

--The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, pg. 91

Productivity

Today was a demanding day at work, as I was helping with a lot of last-minute preparations for a training class that begins tomorrow. Afterward I stayed to do a workout DVD with some co-workers, and by the time I got home I was exhausted physically and mentally.

Every fiber of my being wanted to crash on the couch and veg out, but since I’m taking a few days off from watching TV, I crashed in my office chair in front of my computer instead. I caught up with friends on email and Facebook, read some of my favorite blogs, browsed books on Amazon (I sense another purchase is imminent), caught up on the day’s news, and checked the weather forecast for the week.

My main motive in taking a break from TV this week was to tackle certain items on my to-do list. However, tonight I just don’t have the physical or mental stamina to deal with those projects without risking falling asleep at my desk. I’m not even sure I could get through more than handful of verses in my Bible without dozing off tonight. And I’ve decided that that’s okay.

It’s so easy to measure productivity by how many items I get to scratch off my to-do list. A productive life isn’t just about getting things done. It’s also about taking care of myself—getting enough rest, eating well, nourishing my mind and soul, fostering relationships that encourage and challenge and enrich me. Restorative rest doesn’t keep me from being productive; it is essential to me becoming more productive.

So tonight I’m going to hold off on doing laundry and updating my budget. Instead, I’m going to cut myself some slack and hit the hay early. Right now it’s probably the most productive thing I could do.

Time's A-Wastin'

My to-do list continues to expand, not only in chores that I need to do around the house and yard, but also things that I want to do. Lately, however, I've spent more time watching TV than tackling those items on the list, and this has got to end.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some TV, and that is the problem. More often than not I use television as background noise while I'm doing other things--including writing blog posts. But it's amazing how many hours can slip by while I'm endlessly flipping channels. I'm the world's worst channel surfer and have a tendency to watch a minimum of two shows at once; just last night I kept switching between "We Are Marshall", "House Hunters," and "Food Network Challenge" (fashion cakes, if you must know).

Every once in a while I feel God tugging me away from the TV so that I can focus on other things, and this is one of those times. This week I want to keep the TV off and use those precious hours that He's given me to work on a few things, namely writing, catching up with friends, Bible study, reading, and other activities that don't just entertain me but really feed my soul. Lately my heart has been on a junk food diet, so to speak, and I need to take some time to get back to some good healthy food.

So for those of you who know me, feel free to ask me about my fast from TV this week, and hold me accountable. Just don't tell me what happens this week on "Top Chef" or "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"--I'll wait and catch up when they re-air...

Update: Okay, I confess--my TV fast only lasted about a day. Last night when I got home from another brain and body-taxing day, I gave in to the temptation to veg out in front of the television and watch another "Food Network Challenge" while I ate my dinner. The good news is that after the show was over, I turned off the TV and did some productive things, including reading. So that's definitely progress. Cutting back on the amount of TV I watch is my ultimate goal, and so far, so good.

Beyond the Four Walls

It may sound blasphemous to say this, but more often than not, my greatest times of worship occur outside the confines of a church building. I'm not negating the value of regular church attendance--I grew up going to church every time the doors were open, and the importance of gathering with fellow believers is deeply instilled in me. I have worshipped inside of humble country churches and large, extravagant sanctuaries and other points in between, and have experienced many wonderfully uplifting, convicting and challenging worship sessions inside.

But there is something special to me about worshipping beyond the four walls of a church building. One of the ways I most see God's handiwork is through nature, so it's no surprise that some of my favorite worship experiences have taken place outside. I remember several years ago traveling to Disney World for a work conference. We arrived on Saturday but my conference didn't begin until Monday, so my co-workers and I spent Sunday at Animal Kingdom. My favorite ride was the animal safari ride, which we rode first thing that morning. As we rode through the park and saw lions, giraffes and other exotic creatures up close and personal, the song "This Is My Father's World" ran through my mind. I celebrated seeing these beautiful animals that God had created, animals that I didn't normally get to see during a worship service. That day remains one of my most beloved worship experiences.

One of my favorite places of worship is at the beach. Just a few weeks ago I had the privilege of sitting on a hotel balcony at the beach on Sunday morning, sipping coffee and reading my Bible and watching the waves crash upon the shore. There is something calming while also invigorating about being at the beach, smelling the salt air, feeling the fresh breezes wash over me and hearing the pounding of the surf. I remember a singles retreat in Panama City many years ago, when we had a beachside communion service just after midnight Sunday morning. There was something so special about sharing in the Lord's Supper together while sticking our toes in the sand and seeing the stars overhead.

While I'm certainly grateful for the amenities that a church building offers (heat and air conditioning for one thing, indoor plumbing for another), I think that having occasion to take my worship to the great outdoors will always be special to me. How about you--what are your favorite worship experiences?

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action

There are times when I take on too much, try too hard to make things happen. In those times I often hear God say, gently but firmly, "Cease striving." It's tough sometimes to take my hands off the wheel and let Him steer, particularly when He seems to be veering off my carefully mapped-out course. And yet He always leads me to a place that is far greater than what I would have chosen, although it admittedly takes some time to recognize that.

While I often struggle with too much action, by the same token I also struggle at times with not taking action when I should. I can talk and plan and dream all day long about being a writer, but I'm not going to wake up one morning with a finished manuscript sitting on top of my desk. While I need to be willing to yield to God's plan for my life, in every area of my life, that does not mean I am to do nothing.

One of the ways I get tripped up is in not being able to see the outcome from the get go. I'm learning that being a good writer--or, for that matter, working toward any dream--does not mean I have to figure everything out before I get started. Indeed, the story will unfold as I write it. It will take unexpected twists and turns. I may think that I'm approaching the ending, only to discover that another chapter is ready to leap out of my head and through my fingers onto the keyboard.

Writing is not the only area where I've let uncertainty about the future keep me immobilized. I have some big goals and dreams, and too often I've let myself get overwhelmed with the logistics of it all and trying to figure out how to get from here to there as if I have to get there in one fell swoop. I'm trying to take small actions, little by little, step by step, toward these goals and dreams. It's time to stop doing so much talking and start taking action.

You Never Know

We live in a very results-oriented culture. When we put forth effort, we want to see results--and see them right away. If we've changed our diet and are exercising but the scale is not budging or our clothes are as tight as ever, we get discouraged. If our monetary investments don't produce income or, worse, take a nose dive, we consider rearranging our portfolio. If we perceive that something we're doing is ineffective, we take a good hard look at punting Plan A and moving to Plan B.

Given our desires for results, it's no wonder that living a Christian life can be such a struggle at times. It's a tough lesson to learn, but God's economy is not the same as ours. Results don't always come right away. In some cases, we can pray about something for months, even years, and not get answers. We can invest time and energy into friendships that don't seem to yield any fruit. That's frustrating and difficult to accept. The key word for me here is "seem". Just because I don't see evidence that my prayers are breaking through the ceiling up to God's ears or that I am impacting the lives of those around me, doesn't mean that it's not happening. Things are not necessarily what they seem.

Not too long ago I was reminded of something I had done for someone years ago. It was such a minor thing to me that I had long since forgotten about it, but they had not. I needed that reminder that my words and actions do have an impact, whether I'm aware of it or not. Remembering that helps spur me on to keep on praying about a difficult situation that seems hopeless. It encourages me to continue to invest in the lives of those around me even when I'm not seeing any changes.

We never know what God may be doing behind the scenes, how He is moving in our lives right now even though we feel stagnant. We don't know what relationships He may be using to mold us, what prayers He may be answering in unexpected ways, what losses He is preparing to turn into gains. The Christian walk is scary at times, and exciting at times, and anything but predictable. In the face of such unpredictabilities, I'm thankful for the assurances that God will never leave or forsake us, and that He can work all things for good, and that He is able to immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. Some days, when I feel like my life is extraordinarily unproductive, I cling tightly to these promises. Praise God that things are not always what they seem.